Star
by undrappreciatedsib
Summary: An arrogant Yautja gets more than he bargained for when his Xenomorph servant hires a Human to teach him some humility. Based off of the BMW ad starring Clive Owen and Madonna.
1. The Introduction

So for all of you who have seen the BMW ads starring Clive Owen, you'll recognize this as "Star". As soon as I realized how perfectly it fit, I couldn't resist writing a fanfic about it. I went with the stereotypes of Yautja arrogance, Human unpredictability, and Xenomorph sneakiness. I highly recommend you watch the original video on Youtube. Just search for "BMW ad Clive Owen Madonna" and it'll come up. The others are a joy to watch as well. "Beat the Devil" is really good with James Brown and Gary Oldman.

Disclaimer: I do not own AVP, the BMW ads, or anyone who stars in the BMW ads. I also do not own the script of "Star" but I do copy the style.

Enjoy!

Ta ta,

A

AVPAVPAVP

The first thing you notice physically about him is his face. Mandibles protrude from his cheek and jaw line which click and twitch. When he is off the planet it is rare you see them because they're usually covered by a mask. But when you do, they're the first thing you notice.

The next thing you notice is his body. Strong. Powerful. Muscles ripple along every surface.

But one of the most fearsome qualities this Yautja hunter possesses is his voice. His shattering fear-inducing voice.

He's a legend in his own time. He has few rivals and is meeting one soon in the ring. He is one of the most amazing fighters known. He makes pups look up to him, Young Bloods move out of his way, and females of all ages vie for his attention.

And he's a complete bit-

"XENOMORPH!!"

An alien drone relaxing against a pillar in the parking garage immediately snapped his head up. He jumped away from the body guard he'd been talking to and scampered over to the hunter.

"Yes? I am here to say you are the best at what you do! No other fighter can touch you and if they can-"

"_Tarei hsan_!"

The xenomorph skidded to a halt and stood waiting. Knowing the hunter, that wouldn't be the end of it.

"This is not what I pay you for!" The yautja shoved the xenomorph into one of the wannabes trailing behind him who in turn shoved him into the other wannabe. The xenomorph was shouldered to the ground but got up smiling anyway.

"Hey, it's ok! I am here to serve all your needs, Strong One."

That's Glen. There's no bravery in him. But he's paid enough not to have any or to complain. Some yautja experiment enabled him to speak the language and messed with his brain. Now he serves the kind who made him like this. He doesn't speak out against it though the yautja continue to hunt his kind. Like they hunt mine.

"Spear. I WANT MY SPEAR!!" The yautja hunter glared menacing at the lackeys scrambling to get what he wants. He doesn't need the spear now, but it makes a much better impression if he gets out of the mobile vehicle with it.

A Young Blood approached him carrying the more skilled hunter's spear in both hands. He reverently held it out. It was snatched from his hands and glanced at.

"It had better be sharpened." Another glare to Glen who piped up-

"Sharp. Oh, so very sharp!"

The hunter looked at his usual mobile vehicle unimpressed. "I want a change." A lazy look around before his gaze settled on another mobile vehicle waiting in the parking garage. It was sleeker than his and lower to the ground. The lighting glinted off the white coating in a way his gray mobile vehicle couldn't achieve.

Glen scrambled to open the door for him as the hunter strode for the backseat of the new vehicle. The hunter slid into the new vehicle and scrutinized the interior. Glen waited outside for the hunter's approval of the change.

"This'll do." The spear was placed on his lap and the yautja glanced at the back of the driver speaking. "Take me to the ring."

"I'm sorry," I replied, "I'm already driving someone else."

"Are they in the car? No? Then you're driving me."

"What ring?"

"If you think that I am supposed to know where I'll be fighting that good-for-nothing _s'yuit-de _bastard, you're mistaken. Now take me to the ring."

Before I had time to open my mouth the front passenger door opened and one of the wannabes appeared to my left. "We're going to the Palace."

The yautja glared at the back of my head in annoyance as I looked at him through the rear view mirror. "Listen, weakling-" he finally noticed what species I was and smirked, "Listen _ooman_, next time make sure you know where I'll be fighting. It should have been broadcast enough. Everyone knows who I am."

The wannabe began to climb into my mobile vehicle causing the hunter to notice.

"What are you doing?" Contempt was laced in his words.

"Riding with you, Powerful One."

"Then get on the roof and hold on tightly unless you fly off, weakling."

The wannabe tried not to show his disappointment but I could see it in the slight sagging of his mandibles. "I will ride behind you." The wannabe looked at me with slight disgust before leaving. I knew where the Palace was. As soon as I'd got the call, I'd pulled out the maps and made a few rounds. The door closed and I was left with the hunter in the back.

"Now move before he comes back and tries to get in the car. I don't want them following me!" He crossed his arms across his chest and leaned imperiously back.

I gave a neutral "Ok." and started the car.

His fans were crowded around the exit to the parking garage. They were screaming, roaring, clicking, and making what noise they could. Several alien species were represented although the type of behaviour they were exhibiting would never show up at any diplomatic negotiations. I was sure of that. I ignored it and maneuvered my way through the security holding them back. The hunter had ducked down beneath the windows. When the fans ascertained he wasn't in my car, some of them giving me dirty looks and flared mandibles, they rushed for the next vehicle.

As soon as I was on the street he sat up and looked around, smirking at the number of females trying to plaster themselves onto the windshield. It was my turn to be disgusted but I didn't show it. Oh no, I had perfected my poker face and nothing got past it.

"Why are we going so slow?" Annoyance was etched into his features. I wondered if mothers on this planet told their children their faces would freeze like that if they did it long enough. He didn't seem to care I was going the speed limit already.

"Excuse me?"

"Are you deaf as well as small and weak? I said 'why are we going so slow'. People are waiting for me. People want me. I'm sure you've never experienced that but I'm powerful enough for it to happen."

"Well, sir, I don't want you to be in any danger while you're in my vehicle."

"Don't 'sir' me, weakling. Pity your driving isn't as good as your serving skills, puny as they are already, but I told you I don't want security following me. It looks weak. Nothing to say, _ooman_?"

My communicator went off. I dug into my vest as I looked into my rear view mirror. "Would you excuse me for a moment?" I flicked the volume to low but turned it up when the hunter leaned forward and began messing with the radio dials. He wouldn't overhear. It was Glen.

"Hello?"

"Hey, hey, is he ok?"

"Yeah, he's fine. I'll take care of him."

In the back I could see the hunter's face contort into disgust. It seemed the one emotion he could express the most.

"Don't hurry. Show him everything. Give him everything I paid you for." Finding nothing of his interest on the radio he flicked it off. I wondered how close he'd come to breaking the buttons.

"He won't be late." My eyes flicked to his in the mirror. I hung up and placed my communicator back into my vest. My calm brown eyes never left his golden ones.

He slowly leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and cocked his head at me. "If you stopped staring at me we'd get there faster." With a yautja smirk, one mandible raised, he placed his hands behind his head and leaned back in the seat making sure to slowly wiggle his hips.

I admit, my eyes flicked down to right below his waist. But hey, I was a teenage girl and even if his arrogance was the size of a planet, he still had a good-looking body. I struggled to be professional as I fought the blush flaming across my cheeks.

"Don't get enough attention from your males?"

Blush was gone. Now my whole face was red. Had to get back to professional. Needed to be professional.

I rolled to a graceful stop and allowed the hint of a small smile. "Let me see what I can do, ma'am." He was probably much more acquainted with "sir" but I doubted he knew what "ma'am" was. I made sure the stick was in neutral. It was hell to get one of their vehicles modified but I'd managed it. Now it handled like a true Earth car, a BMW, in fact.

He began fiddling with his dreads. Teasing me had apparently bored him. I doubted my driving would.

AVPAVPAVP

So?? What do you think? I'll get the next chapter posted soon. Much faster than my other fics. Review please!


	2. The Ride

Hey, hey, hey!! I'm updating!

Disclaimer: I do not own AVP. But I wish I did.

Enjoy!

Ta ta,

A

AVPAVPAVP

I held on to the stick and watched the stoplight. I began to take in everything. Whether or not the person on the perpendicular street to the right was going to turn or if anyone was going to try and run it after the light changed. I needed to focus. I trusted myself on the streets, I just didn't trust other people. Now was not the time to get distracted…..

"So do you get attention from males?" He paused for a moment and pretended to think,

"Are there any male _oomans_ on this planet?" He leaned forward and sat on the edge of the seat. Cocky. He isn't wearing his seatbelt. Mistake.

"Or do you just spend every night alone?"

Light changed.

I shifted-

-and slammed on the accelerator.

WHUMP!!

The obscenity spewed forth was music to my ears. Shift. Gas. Shift again. Hitting high speeds downtown. I almost can't believe I'm getting paid for this.

'_Pauk-de aseigan!_' Several other sounds bubbled up but it was lost in the engine. He slammed into the side of the car making it sway to the left. It made the turn difficult but I was up to it. Gas or brake at the curve of the turn and your friction increases. Basic physics isn't hard and really handy. Gas.

Some music would be nice. Hm… "Ride" by the Vines started pumping out of the speakers. Ha! So he hadn't broken my sound system. Good.

I braked and after a quick glance over my shoulder I pulled into the left lane narrowly missing the vehicle in front of me.

"What are you doing?!"

"Driving."

Brake, turn. WHAM!

He really should wear a seatbelt.

Arrogant ass.

"Is that your best?"

I looked in the mirror to find him stabilizing himself against the sides of the car. This would be rather difficult. I spotted the street sign as it passed and gave a small smile. This would be fun.

"You need to try harder."

He stopped speaking when I jumped the curb and went on to the sidewalk. It was blocked off because they were installing new windows on the first few stories of the building it wrapped around. I zoomed past sheets of windows and caught a blur of a reflection. I downshifted to second gear. Swerving around the plastic sheets proved to be easier than I thought. Several times I almost hit one but my steering held. I love this car.

I yanked on the steering wheel and pulled on the e-brake. The tires squealed as I skidded around the corner.

While the hunter had been stabilized from side to side, he hadn't braced himself completely. He was thrown forward and I was quite grateful my windshield was very strong. Unfortunately, he blocked my view.

I checked out my window and flipped a 180 degree turn. I turned in my seat and began hitting 40 mph backwards. I love this car.

Another flip and he was slammed into the passenger seat, knees pressed to his chest as his feet scrabbled on the windshield. A few more twists of the wheel and he was half-way to the back seat. I didn't like having his ass that close to my face but I saw a few tourists ahead and obtained an evil grin. I honked the horn and they turned to look in surprise. They then raised their various recording devices and got wonderful shots of the hunter with his ass over a seat flailing his arms in the back.

I pulled on the emergency brake and skidded around another corner.

The numerous growls and displeased roars from the hunter were ignored. One of the great modifications about this car is a new feature. Sometimes when people have a lot of luggage and can't get the door I would have to get out and open it for them. I got really tired of this especially in rainy weather so I had a button installed. A lovely button that opened the back doors.

I pulled another 180 degrees screeching to the curb as I activated that wonderful button.

He flew out. Landed on his ass.

I allowed a small smile.

His fans were shocked but I managed to catch the eye of one young alien boy and held up the spear the hunter had left when he had exited my car so unceremoniously. The little boy was quite happy to walk over and give it to the hunter who looked at it and then dazedly looked at me. I reached over and closed the door knowing I had been unable to hide my grin.

I took off quickly because in this traffic I wasn't sure if I could out-drive an angry yautja.

AVPAVPAVP

So? What do you think?


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